My mother is a crazy, embittered lady, and I grow more like her every day. Not since Freud has an author done so much to clarify what goes on between a psychotherapist and a patient. I decided not to protest her accusation that I did not believe her. I had a giant auger and knew that I would have to drill down sixty-five feet to save the house. The click of the telephone being hung up confirmed what I instantly realized: I had made a colossal mistake. Carlos readily agreed to meet with me. Yet her problem fascinated me. Touch! The benefits might be great. As I tried to sort out my feelings, I realized that one of my first responses clamoring for attention was, How can you do this to me? Though, no doubt, my outrage derived in part from my own frustration, I was also certain I was responding to Thelmas feeling toward me. Marvin listened attentively to what I said, but his facial expression was so frozen that I had no hint of what he felt. Like a drifting boat torn loose from its mooring, I thoughtbut a sentient boat desperately searching for a berth, any berth. This was the time I had been waiting for. At first she stayed around me, sometimes at home in her room. Having already overscheduled himself with teaching and consultation commitments to younger colleagues, he was forced to work much of the night preparing for his sessions with Dr. K. At the end of his six months, the project was still unfinished, but Saul assured Dr. K. he would complete it and see it published in a leading journal. While we dread death, we generally consider freedom to be unequivocally positive. Loves Executioner was a pivotal turning point for me. It was also about the time that I was coercing Marvin into recognizing that his sexual preoccupation was in reality deflected death anxiety (see In Search of the Dreamer), and unwisely badgering Dave into understanding that his attachment to ancient love letters was a futile attempt to deny physical decline and aging (Do Not Go Gentle). With so many promising leads I didnt know which to choose. I had to stop bantering, I could no longer connect to him in that way. Pennys emphasis began to change. No, no, its not that. . And now what kind of truth was I stalking? What was the kick in your teeth?, You were there. I left Atlanta and never looked back., Not till now. Id appear before the members of the institutetheyd be wigged and robed. I also wanted support from a colleague. Thats not entirely true. . Your email address will not be published. I think my quarry is illusion. Weighing all these considerations, I finally chose my response. Number three,. Explain. Now is the time you can make some real progress., I dont want to be in therapy any more. Obviously something extraordinary had occurred. I stammered, You know, psychiatrists dont ordinarily touch their, Let me interrupt you before you tell any more fibs and your nose gets longer and longer like Pinocchio. Betty seemed amused at my squirming. They chose that part of the dreamthe theme of secrecythat was most relevant to the way Dave related to them, and they whacked away at it beautifully. Not even chalked words on the sidewalk saying, There was the blob that was once named Marge White.. Swept along by hubris and by my curiosity, I had disregarded twenty years of evidence at the outset that Thelma was a poor candidate for psychotherapy, and had subjected her to a painful confrontation which, in retrospect, had little likelihood of success. Meditate on that. I was afraid to go farther. You know, its funny, he even sounded eageras though it has been me avoiding him. At an early age, far earlier than is often thought, we learn that death will come, and that from it there is no escape. We all read books differently and have our own opinions. This is stirring up a lot of stuff in me. He said that would be necessary for my own sanity, and he was certain that it would be best for Thelma as well.. What I find are two baby kittens who have not yet opened their eyes. At seven in the morning I wonder if hes awake yet, and at eight I imagine him eating his oatmeal (he loves oatmealhe grew up on a Nebraska farm). She felt that she was talented but had never developed her talents because, since the age of thirteen, she had had to earn a living. I could picture him strangling someone. But, frankly, Im disturbed at the idea of his retirementand when I get upset, upset about anything, Marvin gets upset. The voice was so different, so forceful, so authoritative, I looked around the office for an instant to see who else might have entered. I felt relieved that he had been willing to share so much with methe only bright spot I saw in the session so far. As long as he continued to believe that he was tantalizingly close to being desired and loved by an attractive woman, he could buttress his belief that he was no different from anyone else, that there was nothing seriously wrong with him, that he was not disfigured, not mortally ill. I saw that in last Sundays paper. So what I hear you say is that you feel guilty about two main things. Still another common scenario is for parents to overprotect the surviving children. She slumped into her chair and spoke slowly and softly in a resigned tone. I figure that fifty thousand dollars will cure this whole Stockholm Institute catastrophe., What changed your mind? As you say, Im being rational, but one of us has to stay rational. Saul didnt crack a smile. There she was ridiculing Marges stutter and some of her most familiar comments. And, moments later, a tagalong fragment:I was on a big train. Yet, even at the point of death, the willingness of another to be fully present may penetrate the isolation. I thought, that hadnt come out right! My mouth is so dry I can hardly talk. That was the top priority in my life then; that was why I had advertised for volunteers. Soon they called the police, who stormed into the house to find her close to death. I phoned her and had a brief but remarkable conversation. For example, he dreamed of walks in a large, unfinished, underground concrete building. All your life youve worked. He was up front, he told me exactly what was troubling him as best he could. I was about to ask about Harry being good at giving things up, but Thelma raced on. Should I, under the banner of self-enlightenment, strip away an old womans irrational but sustaining and comforting love illusion? You, too, have much influence. First, it was entirely possible that the imminent transfer to the group was the factor behind his request. The entire course of therapy of another patient (Thelma in Loves Executioner) revolved around the theme of surrender to a former lover (and therapist) and my search for strategies to help her reclaim her power and freedom. At sixteen? She had, as she put it, played a lot of fantasy games. I thought my question was within the margins of safety: I stayed concretely with the dream material, and Dave could easily demur by failing to have pertinent associations. He merely shrugged. Remember how I emphasized that whatever happens in the group can be used to help us work in therapy? He nodded. So far it was apparent that Thelmas love for Matthew was, in reality, something else perhaps an escape, a shield against aging and isolation. Obviously there lay the key and I began the second session by exploring the events of six months ago. I never can think past that., How can you release yourself from this? Then he pats himself on the back for whatever nonremarkable accomplishment he does make. Ill be all right. I imagined, for a moment, interring them together with mine. What did it stir up in you?, I felt like an idiot! Phyllis tells him he is dirty and poorly dressed. I followed her into her every nook and crevice, awed that one old womans purse could serve as a vehicle for both isolation and intimacy: the absolute isolation that is integral to existence and the intimacy that dispels the dread, if not the fact, of isolation. He always minimized his painalways fearful of bothering me. Needing no reference books for my writing, I traveled light and had only a stack of my session notes for about fifty patients. She was an exceptionally intelligent, creative, highly attractive woman (when she was not distorting her face). Love's Executioner | BiggerBooks . Failure had always inflicted terrible wounds, which healed slowly and deeply intensified his feeling of insignificance and loneliness; success offered stupendous but evanescent exhilaration. Think of that extraordinary story: for the first time in his life, a stable, if prosaic, previously healthy sixty-four-year-old man who has been having sex with the same woman for forty-one years suddenly becomes exquisitely sensitive to his sexual performance. I wanted Marvin to explore these issues, but not too searchinglynot enough to destabilize the precarious marital equilibrium he and Phyllis had established (and thus drive him immediately out of therapy) and not enough to evoke any further death anxiety (and thus ignite further migraines). I looked up in amazement at Marvin, who seemed unmoved and unappreciative of the power of his own creation, and the notion occurred to me that this was not, could not be, his dream. Dr Yalom's case histories are more gripping than 98 percent of the fiction published today, and he has gone to amazing lengths of honesty to depict himself as a realistic flesh-and-blood character: funny, flawed, perverse, and, above all, understanding -- Phillip Lopate I loved Love's Executioner. Careful, I thought. My sexual arousal? Her revenge upon me was to frustrate each of these aims. A pair of empty spike heels? Not that I blame youafter all, you guys are running a business and gotta earn a living. It was a fantastic day. Ive never seen her so persistent. Yesterday I was talking to Phyllis about all our friends who have died and also about a newspaper article about people who die immediately after retirement. I heard a small child crying below in the darkness, calling for help. In the other, she was lying in a hospital bed with a candle, which represented her soul, burning at the head of the bed. I had always wanted to be a storyteller. Ive a hunch theres something scary about giving it up., Who needs it? Now your cheek is very numb, indeed. Hes not out back in the workshop. What she had feared at the very onset of treatment had come to pass: she had allowed herself to feel deeply about me and was now going to lose me. I wake up in a sweat. I want to hear every detail.. One was that she had been gypped, that the cards were stacked against her by the time she was eight. I sat silently for several minutes trying to identify my options. I contained it better than he, and had long since learned to prevent it from dominating my life. She was certain her boss was eyeing her breasts. I considered, momentarily, what recourse I had with Matthew, but supposed he was beyond the statute of limitations. One of the axioms of psychotherapy is that the important feelings one has for another always get communicated through one channel or anotherif not verbally, then nonverbally. Every sexual rush, colored red, was reduced to a five-point scale according to Marvins performance: premature ejaculations were separately coded, as was impotencewith a distinction made between inability to sustain an erection and inability to have one. Its my place to thank you for bringing it to pass. Also, it helped that you didnt get into your role of the wizard letting me guess about questions you know the answers to. But sometimes I think restraints are good. Was it good to forget? I could scarcely find a word of comfort for her. I always take very seriously the business of entering into a treatment contract with a patient. But watching Marvin change over the last several weeks has been impressive. Could we take another walk across the Golden Gate Bridge? The last gift a parent can give to children is to teach them, through example, how to face death with equanimityand Carlos gave an extraordinary lesson in grace. The flush of pride I first experienced quickly gave way to a sense of deflation: This guy writes a lot better than I can.. Has not the history of Western civilization been punctuated with yearnings for freedom, even driven by it? Furthermore, Penny had continued to detach herself from Chrissie. Anxious and thoroughly fed up with myself, I entered therapy (yet again), and after several hard months, my mind was my own again and I was able to return to the exciting business of experiencing my life as it was happening. I wanted to linger with the dream but had to return to the needs of the moment. Since I hoped to establish a confederacy or fusion of the two Marges, I was careful to stay on the positive side of each. I pounced at the opportunity to understand this development. You do not have to stay here for me any longer.. Several weeks before, I had suggested to Dave that he enter a therapy group, and over the past three sessions we had discussed this at great length. Could I build a solid therapeutic relationship on such insubstantial foundations? She had a way of putting her finger on vital issues. In describing her psychotherapy at a teaching conference a couple of weeks before, I had aroused considerable interest. I always thought my daughter would go to Stanfordif she had lived..